Monday, March 31, 2008

No Girlfriend Since Birth

It is true. I never had a serious and formal relationship with a girl in my whole existence on planet Earth. I'm turning 30 this April and I still find myself in this situation. What the heck?

First Crush

In retrospect, as far as I can remember, my first crush was a cute girl back in my kindergarten days! Her name is Sheryl ******. It was really more of a puppy love type of thing. Everytime the class heads to the playground I would always notice this girl occupy the same spot so that's how she caught my attention. I wonder where she is now. I can still remember her face. Growing up in the same school, my infatuation with her waned eventually. I focused more on my studies (nerd!). You can say that I'm diligent and studious when it comes to academics. I was always excited to go to school. In fact, the school could have hired me back then to open the gates in the
morning as I am one of early birds at school!

The Confusion

Fast forward to fourth or fifth grade, I started to notice something going on inside of me...a terrible confusion of some sort and a sense of inferiority. Despite me being a consistent honor student since fourth grade, there seemed to be something amiss. I noticed that I had some issues with interacting with the guys, especially during P.E. class where the guys would play the only sport they knew of -- basketball and of course the girls would play volleyball. I had no choice but to embrace basketball or else I would risk being branded as a sissy.

Not Athletic Enough

I used to ask myself. Do I really have to play basketball? Do I really have to conform to be accepted? Yes, I admit I'm clumsy and inept when it comes to sports. I guess basketball back then was too tough for me so I shunned it and evaded it like a plague. In those days, I dreaded intramurals. It is the time of the year when the school is abuzz with sports fest left and right. Most of my classmates join this annual event. I belonged to the "model" section back then and one of my secret fear was what if there were not enough boys to represent our class? That would mean every boy in the class would be compelled to join the intramurals. The boys were always outnumbered in the class by the girls in the ratio of 1:4. Good thing, some of the guys were into basketball and I did not have to go through that ordeal. Thank goodness!

Everytime there is a game we are obliged to watch it to give moral support to my classmates. During those times, I would sneak in the library, preferring the solitude of that place and the company of books, rather than be seen watching a basketball game, which I really find of very little interest to me, so there is really no sense in watching it. It's just a waste of time really.

Damn! While those guys were being cheered by the crowd, here I was in one corner of the library peeking once in a while to see what's going on outside. I felt terribly lonely and alienated during those times. Quiz bees were my preoccupations, not sports. It was saddening and sickening. This cycle would repeat itself every year and no matter how I forced myself to love the sport, I just simply could not see myself doing it. So, I guess there is where the problem lies. There seems to be an attitude problem here on my part. In as much as some of these guys feel the same inferiority in their academic life, it's very much the same in my situation in dealing with athletics.

Growing Up

So how did this affect me while growing up? - a lot! Although I feel confident in acing my exams and impressing my teachers, it is not the same outside the classroom. After class, we go our own way. Some stay in the school to hang out and chat with their "barkadas". Some go to the library to do their homeworks right away (present!). The rest would either play sports or just go home. I have no real "barkadas" outside of the confines of group activities or anything that has to do with school projects. Although I had two or three close friends, that didn't actually last for long. For me high school life was about getting ahead of others in eager anticipation of college life. Going back, it was like I was in a hurry to grow up and reach my dreams. I was in a rush to accomplish this and that without really going somewhere.

No Girlfriends, Just Crushes

It's not all academics really. On the sidestep, I had crushes too, you know, typical high school life. Inside the class, there were love teams whether for real or for reel. And being one of the more popular guy in the class (ehem! ehem!) I also had my share of that silly thing, and for that I was thankful because somehow it made me feel like I was on the "normal" side, although I must admit now that I was more on the "geeky" side back then. Those moments cheered up and brightened my otherwise boring years in high school. I even tried courting a girl back then and it was one of the craziest things I have ever done. On certain occasions like Valentine's day or birthdays, I would buy ready-made love letters back then and three sticks of red roses (no chocolates because of tight budget), and I would wait for my crush to pass by the corridor, and when she does I would intercept her and give the flowers and love letter to her. Gosh, I did that??

My Secret Crushes (wink!)

Here comes the exciting part! hehe. I have a confession to make. As early as first year high school, I was already having crushes on some of my guy classmates. I did not pay much attention to this but deep inside me I was already fantasizing about some of the guys. The common quality that they all have is that they're all athletic. I see them as different and yet very appealing. There is something in them that I obviously don't have and so secretly I admire them.

One of the most memorable was when I reached my third year. There was this guy who captured my attention and really intensified my homosexual struggle. Let's just call him Angelo(because believe it or not, he looks very much like Richard Gomez). For me, he was the perfect male specie. He was in fourth year high school then. Gosh, how is it that it's already too late when I began to notice this hunk! This guy is a campus heartthrob - tall, dark, and very handsome. He never fails to capture my attention and I would secretly look at him everytime I had the chance to pass by his classrooms or during recess time. Sometimes he would catch me looking at him and I would just play "deadma". You won't believe it when I tell you that during those days I kept a diary where I chronicle every single bit of "kilig" moments I had with him. I know it sounds crazy; it really is.

My third year became especially memorable to me because of this guy. Because I want to see him very often, I volunteered to be trained as one of the future officers of CAT (Citizen's Army Training). As a cadet trainee, I had many opportunities to be as close as possible to this guy, the most memorable of which was during one summer when all the cadet officer trainees went on a bootcamp and of course he was there too! Damn, he's so dropdead gorgeous up close. I would gladly trade all my school awards and recognitions just to be close to this heavensent guy! (just kidding! My mother would be hysterical if I did.) Gosh, why is it that some guys had all the luck?

Oh No, I'm Gay!

Being gay on campus during my time was taboo, and yet here I am, deep inside me I cannot deny the fact that I had feelings for Angelo, which gradually developed I guess from being a mere infatuation to something out of control. Those times that I had spent with this guy, no matter how short, were the most memorable days of my high school life. The only sad part is that the friendship was a superficial one. He is someone I look up to. After he graduated in high school, school life went on as usual for me. I was in my last year in high school at this time and school kept me very busy since I'm graduating. Life went on as usual.

No matter how brief the time given me to know this guy, I am still thankful. I do not blame him for my struggles. It is definitely not his fault. But no matter what happens, he will forever be a part of my past, and a foreboding reminder of the struggle I will have to face the rest of my life...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

we have a similar situation,,,,I'm turning 30 this coming June,,,still no girlfriend,,,,i tried to have one,,,but i always fail,,,I'm effeminate...but I dont have any interest to have a relationship with same gender,,,so sad,,,,nice i read this blog... God bless