Straight Talk

Hi blog visitors,

Are you struggling with same sex attraction like me? Do you know somebody who is but doesn't know where to turn for help? Are you or someone you know seem like a little confused of your gender identity?

Write me a short story at couragemanila@yahoo.com and we'll try to be of help. Nobody has to struggle with this alone. All letters will be treated with utmost confidentiality and author's permission is always sought before we publish his/her story in our Courage blog .

Thanks and hope to hear from you all soon.

It Is Finished!

Dear blog visitors,

Finally I'm done with my "special project". It's actually a blog for Courage Philippines and I hope you can visit the site at this address:

http://www.couragephilippines.blogspot.com/

Please support this blog and add this to your links, although unfortunately I cannot add you because the blog is exclusively for topics dealing with same sex attraction. However, I can drop by your blog once in a while and I can enlist you here in this blog.

If you have a friend, a family member, or a relative who is struggling with homosexuality, please refer them to the above blog site. This site is entirely dedicated for people like me struggling with SSA. In the blog, they can find many resources and information to help them better understand their condition and struggles.

I'm looking forward for all your support. God bless everyone.

Wazzup, wazzup!?

Dear blog visitors,

Please bear with me if I haven't updated my blog for days now coz I'm busy on a "very special project" for my ministry. Right now, I am currently revising and renovating an old blog of Courage and I envision it to be a vehicle of hope and change for all people struggling out there with same-sex attraction like me. I want to thank God for inspiring me so much to do His work through this website. At this moment I cannot give you the URL of this blog until approved by our spiritual director, but rest assured I will post it here.

I never thought that my experience in setting up this personal blog of mine has paved the way for me to apply the little knowledge and skills I've learned in creating blogs! God is truly amazing and His ways indeed are way above ours. To all my regular blog visitors, I hope you can add this new website in the future although I cannot promise that I can add you because it is a group blog specifically dealing with issues about homosexuality. I would gladly appreciate though if you can link this future blog to your blog as your way of supporting our cause.

In case you are wondering what Courage is, you can visit this site for the mean time.

God bless you all.

Bloggers Against Pornography

I think it's high time to fight the plague of pornography in our own way. As someone who is constantly exposed to the internet the whole day, I'm no stranger to the allure and temptation of porn, and working in the comforts of my own home seems to make that a lot easier for me.

It's time to fight back.

I will be devising simple and practical ways to do this and I'm planning to post this on December 8, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

I would like to enjoin my fellow bloggers to support me in their own way. This is not just someone's personal battle; this is our fight.

Join me.


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving Holiday today in the US. That means no work (read: no income) for me today. You see I work in the BPO industry. We do not necessarily follow the local holidays here in the Philippines and today is one such holiday that is uniquely American. I wonder if the American people in general feel like being thankful today considering the economic situation in the US.

On the other hand, don't you wish we have the same here? Well, I know we already have more than enough fiestas and holidays throughout the year, but what is nice about Thanksgiving is the idea behind the celebration - that is, to be thankful and grateful for everything, even if we're in for the not so good times. Personally, how I wish I can develop this "attitude of gratitude" in whatever situation I might find myself to be in. You see, being grateful when things aren't going my way is not second nature to me. I'm guilty of complaining and comparing myself to others. Indeed it is easy to feel grateful when things are going your way. But when challenging situations confront you, what should you do?

Maybe we can view it in a more positive light and that there is still something good that can come out of it. When you don't feel like being grateful, look around you and observe. You might realize that despite your situation, you're still better off compared to others. I say this so that we may realize how blessed we are still and this should make us realize that grumbling won't make things better. Perhaps, difficult times challenge us to take actions we've never taken before. It may be upsetting but try to dig deeper into the situation. Whatever situation we might find ourselves to be in, we must learn to be thankful. Isn't it that the happiest people around are those who are grateful, simple, and cheerful? Isn't it true that happiness can be found in life's simple pleasures?

Now, that's something to be hopeful about and maybe from now on we can practice to be a little grateful for things both big and not so big.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Canned Thoughts

"Busy-busyhan"

Quite busy the past few days so I was not able to update my blog regularly; nevertheless, I still try to post articles every now and then.

Goodbye America!

With all the financial crisis going on and a looming recession I wonder who still wants to go to US. Anyone? Me, definitely not this time. Who knows if things are going to get better in the near future. I hope those Americans spend their hard-earned dollars here instead. At least they may still be able to live the kind of life they have there here. Hello, Uncle Sam!

"Foundation"

Some words of wisdom from a bishop who celebrated mass with us last Sacrament Sunday: "Make Jesus the foundation of your life. You can never count on riches or material wealth that you can lose any time, physical beauty that goes and fades fast, nor success and fame. These things give you "a false sense of security" in our ever changing world" -How true.

Insanity Defined

I love Albert Einstein's definition of insanity:

"Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."

You can see many people just like that:

1. An employee who dreams of becoming rich some day but is too afraid to take risk in business and is somewhat contented with his wages and Christmas bonuses. He neither thinks of saving up some money to invest in something more profitable.

2. A sedentary, obese person who dreams of landing a gig as a cover model of Men's Health magazine but is too lazy to lift a dumbbell or go out and exercise.

3. Or a student who dreams of graduating with honors but who lacks the discipline to study his lessons and make it as one of his priority.

If you look around you, you may notice that many people seemed to have given up their dreams and lost all hope for a better future. It is depressing yes, that's why lately I'm not tuning in to the news because most often than not it focuses more on the "negative" events which make you all the more cynical and pessimistic. Indeed, there is a very high price to pay when we choose not to change for the better. The antidote to this insanity is a single-minded purposeness, perseverance, and the willingness to ACT and do the right thing. It will challenge us to get out of our comfort zones and it can be frightening, but isn't it when we're out of our comfort zones that we feel happier and more alive?

Derma 101

Last week I had the opportunity to try diamond peel at one of the popular skin clinics in a mall. The cost? P500. I just want to experience the "feel" of it and I've been quite curious about this thing for some time. As the name suggests, diamond peel peels off the outermost layer of your skin called the epidermis in order to generate formation of new skin cells and to exfoliate dead skin. I just tried it once but they say you need to undergo many sessions for you to achieve a "smooth" complexion. Unfortunately, that sounds like a lot of money too - all in the name of vanity.

During my derma visit, the dermatologist gave me a diagnosis I was not aware of for many years. I mean I know it's there but I don't know what it is called and I've never visited a dermatologist's clinic until now. She told me I have syringoma. I quickly surfed the net to get more information about this skin disease. In a nutshell, syringoma is a benign lesion commonly found around the eyes (periorbital) that is due to hyperactive secretions of sebaceous glands. It is not painful nor is it particularly bothersome, but it can be aesthetically unappealing. I asked the dermatologist what is the best treatment for this skin lesion and she told me that what they can offer is to electrocauterize the lesions (sounds painful). And the cost? estimates run at around 8K more or less. (whaaat?) All that money without any guarantee of nonrecurrence or less scar formation thereafter. Actually, that electrocautery thing literally electrocutes the lesion - whether it's a wart, nevus, etc., at one application but there is the problem of scar formation post treatment and so I'm on the lookout for better alternatives.

After hours of searching the net and thinking about my predicament, I came across a website about a "noninvasive, nonsurgical, no-fuss, and painless" way to remove unwanted skin lesions. Guess what I'm talking about? It's called a cashew cream. Have you heard of RCC Amazing Touch? I'm sure you have seen this in SM Malls. This cashew cream was a product of the creative imagination of a former barber turned Pinoy inventor by the name of Rolando dela Cruz. This guy's cashew cream formulation has already reaped many awards and recognitions both here and abroad. This is your best option if you hate to go "under the knife" and so I made up my mind to try this. I went to SM San Lazaro and inquired. Oh by the way this is not a skin clinic where you can buy the product and apply it to yourself. The application of this product must be supervised by a trained skin therapist and the procedure is done inside their clinics. The moment of truth - the procedure will cost me around 5K including aftercare products and all. It's relatively cheaper than the electrocautery procedure but still quite expensive for me. The thing here is if you need a repeat application of procedure, that will cost you around 4K more or less. Ouch.

Until one day, my angel whispered to my ear that there is a similar less commercialized skin clinic offering the same service and I wasted no time to check it out. The name of this obscure skin clinic is called Herbal Solutions with branches in Farmer's Plaza in Cubao, Araneta Square in Caloocan, and one branch somewhere in Alabang. True enough it is way cheaper - only around P3K all inclusive of three follow-up sessions and aftercare products! That's a huge savings for me and so I wasted no time and grabbed the opportunity. The procedure took around 30 to 45 minutes. It is true. The procedure is "noninvasive, nonsurgical, and no-fuss" but it was painful! I was in terrible excruciating pain all those time, but I was able to keep myself composed though (grace under pain). It's like being stung by bees, hornets, and wasps, but that's a sure sign that the product is working. Apparently, cashew contains a very powerful ingredient that is capable of providing natural cauterization without the scar after. Yes, there will be scabbing in those areas of the skin treated, but this will fall off naturally after several days without leaving any trace. All that pain is worth it. Right now I have scabs under my eyes, but I can see that something has changed in the texture of my skin around my eyes. It's working little by little and I have no regrets whatsoever.

If you are considering or thinking about having a mole or wart removed from your body, try the nonsurgical noninvasive approach using topical applications of cashew cream. This is both practical and economical. After I complete the healing process I am actually planning to have two moles on my face removed using this procedure and this time it will be much less painful because the lesion is not scattered.

Go natural.

Finish The Year Strong Challenge

We're now in the "ber" months and it is barely less than a 100 days before we say goodbye to 2008. Before the year ends I encourage everyone reading my blog to recall their New Year's Resolutions (if any) or if you do not have I encourage you all the more to make one worthwhile goal you want to accomplish by the end of the year, hence the name of my challenge (Finish The Year Strong Challenge). For me it means getting leaner and reclaiming the "six-pack" abs by year-end. Everyday I'm challenging myself to exercise more and eat right to attain my goal. It can be anything really - whether you want to go places you've never been before or serve the less fortunate it's all up to you. Anything that can make this last quarter of the year fruitful is fine. The mechanics are simple. First you write down your goal/s and commit yourself to achieve it. The only competitor is yourself and it's time bound. Make sure your goals are attainable and realistic and exciting enough to keep you going every day. Consider this as your Christmas/New Year's gift to yourself.

Are you up for the challenge? Stop complaining and making excuses. Challenge yourself and make things happen...one day at a time.

Who Is My Neighbor?

I am writing this from my own personal experience with a heavy heart. Almost a week ago God taught me a lesson I will never forget for the rest of my life and the Parable of the Good Samaritan is His vivid reminder to me of that incident. I already confessed this yesterday in our Sacrament Sunday and I begged the Lord pardon for my fault.

Last week, as I stepped out of our house on my way to our weekly Courage meeting, I met this dirty, poor woman carrying what seems to be as bags of trash. She is a "taong grasa" I guess. All of a sudden, she dropped down and lost consciousness. At first I thought she was suffering from heat exhaustion because that day the sun was scorching hot and seconds later she started convulsing - an epileptic attack! It was my first time to witness such a medical emergency. I was two to three steps away from her, all dressed up and deodorized, and in a hurry. I stood there for a moment while watching her convulse, frozen in time. Many thoughts were racing in my head. Should I help her or should I ignore her as if nothing happened? The poor woman meanwhile continued to have the seizure attack. A few meters away from us, there were a number of onlookers and "uzis" who only watched the scene unfold, as if they were watching some spectacle of sort. Like me they were just watching, perhaps waiting for me to do something since I was the one closest to the epileptic woman. A woman reluctantly approached out of curiosity and then went away. In all honesty I felt embarassed to be caught in that situation. I was also convulsing I guess because I was standing there not knowing what to do. In my mind I was very much struggling and confused.

In an instant I pretended as if nothing is happening and so I went away just like that. While hurrying towards the bus stop I felt my conscience nagging me - "why didn't you do something to help the poor woman?" This was reverberating in my head at that time and so I decided to go back to the scene - well actually I looked back from afar to see how the woman was doing. I was filled with shame and guilt then. Fortunately, the seizure stopped and the woman regained consciousness. A pedicab driver assisted the woman, who was then lying flat on her back in the middle of the street, and took her to the side to rest and recover. I felt relieved somehow that nothing bad happened to her and so after this incident I went back to the bus stop.

Inside the bus this unexpected event continued to bother me. Honestly, I felt some awkwardness in responding to that woman. First, she's dirty and smelly all over. Had she been a "normal-looking person", I could have probably responded to the call of the situation. But in her case I did not. Secondly, I must admit I didn't know how to respond to such an emergency. I feared that I might cause further harm to the person or worse I might be blamed after if something terribly bad happened to her like if she died on the spot or whatever. It scared me to death. I want to think that I'm not the only one guilty here. The idle onlookers are as guilty as I am too. It so happened that I was the one closest to her when she had the seizure attack, but they (the onlookers) nevertheless were responsible too.

I learned a very important lesson from this incident. I came to realize that I acted like the priest and the Levite in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. I ignored and left her there out of my awkwardness to extend help. I did not want to be bothered by such thing. Clearly, I did not act like the Good Samaritan who went out of his way to help the man although sometimes I pretend to be one. This made me realize how little charity I have for those unfortunate people that we see around us everyday. Because we're caught in the busyness of our own lives, we tend to neglect to care for them and think about their needs. Our needs always come first and I'm no exception to that. That poor, ill-clad, smelly woman carrying rubbish around is also my neighbor - not just my family, relatives, co-workers, or friends. They, the forgotten and the abandoned, must serve as a reminder to us that fulfilling the second greatest commandment, which is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, is not "selective"; it must encompass everyone - even our own enemies.

So I hope you've learned something from my experience. You might want to read this article about how to respond to an epilepsy attack.

"Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbor to him who fell among the robbers?" He said, "He who showed mercy on him." Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise." - Luke 10:36-37

Work Issues

Near Hire

I know it's crazy. After going through the process of application, initial exams, and orientation, and some realizations later, I made up my mind not to push through with my training in Makati. I don't know about you but the thought of working in Makati has lost its allure to me. I don't mind missing the sights of towering skyscrapers, workers in business suits and corporate attires, and people rushing here and there. The mere thought of traveling to Makati - riding one jeep/bus plus LRT/MRT and another jeep is already a turn-off. The most that I can accommodate is just two rides. Period. Somehow I prefer to work somewhere closer to home still. The trainor called me up this afternoon to inquire why I didn't bother to inform them. I just apologized and told her that I went to this agency to submit an overseas job application, blah...blah... In short I changed my mind and no regrets for me. Haaay... I can't believe it that I can still afford to turn down job offers considering the number of jobless people around. At the back of my mind, the thought of landing the "perfect job" still lurks and makes me quite selective. I just hope I won't reach a point where I have applied to all my prospective employers out there and ended up getting nowhere, (cringe!) kinda like being too "pihikan" and ending up still single in your 40s or 50s (double cringe!).

Not Qualified??

This morning I went to the agency to apply for a job somewhere in the Middle East (definitely not Saudi Arabia - I just hate that country!). Yesterday, (oh, I met Bro. M and Bro. J incidentally inside a fastfood restaurant - they were looking for an apartment somewhere. Good luck.) I went there but it was closed because of the holidays (darn holiday! - these so-called minor holidays should be totally abolished. It's totally counterproductive and with people having no money to spend don't expect that these minor holidays can boost our domestic tourism! More likely than not these people would just troop to the malls and watch a movie coz that's the cheapest form of decent entertainment that is still affordable today.) As I approached the lady receptionist, she inquired about the position I was applying for and I replied politely. She asked me my current work experience and as soon as I mentioned that I'm working home-based, her facial reaction gradually turned sour. She asked me when was my last job "outside" of our house and I told her that I last worked outside in 2006 somewhere in QC. She let me wait for a little while and apparently asked somebody about my case. Later on, the moment of truth. I am not "qualified" for the job because they require that I be employed by a company and sitting inside a cubicle somewhere or at least 7 months unemployed from a prior employer. And so all the while that Im working my butt at home - this is not counted as a work experience? Halleeer! The only difference between me and a dude working inside a cubicle is that I don't wear company ID (obvious ba?). Simply because I work at home does not mean that I'm less productive (less competent) than an office worker or that I do easy jobs that a high school student can do. Not only did the agency outrightly dismissed me based on that thing, they never even bothered to ask or look at my resume to see my qualifications. Neither did they bother to ask if I had a medical background and proper training in the job I was applying for. They did not check my credentials and my entire work history - they just probably focused on the fact that I'm presently just doing some home-based work and thought that maybe I'm not good enough to work in a hospital environment. (Excuse me, pakibaba nga ng kilay ko!)

Delayed Salary -- Again.

Because I was pissed off this morning, I was not in the mood to do my work and the fact that my salary is delayed again made me all the more "mad" and crazy today. Thankfully, this issue was resolved later in the day and I was reassured that I would get my payment in a day or two. Whew! Thank heavens.

Gay Bloggers React

Gosh, I've been busy here during the week. Just got more work to do here but hopefully I can still blog on a regular basis. Early this week I sent this e-mail to a very popular gay blogger in order to solicit their ideas about ex-gay groups like Courage. The week before that I was able to listen to a group of gay guys on a podcast posted on his blog. It was about homosexuality and religion and their personal experiences (or conflicts/dilemma) about reconciling the two. My other motive of course is to inform them that the Catholic Church in particular is reaching out to people with SSA through Courage. Here is the full content of my e-mail addressed to Famous Gay Blogger:

Dear ____

I want to give my reaction to your podcast entitled Homosexuality and Religion. I am a person struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) but I don’t consider myself gay in the sense that I’m not into the gay lifestyle now. I may have been before but that was a totally different story. And oh yes I still struggle with chastity issues right now and that’s how real it can get.
I just want to reiterate that the Catholic Church does not condemn me or you for being “gay”. In fact, the Catholic Church has an apostolate catering to people with SSA and it is called Courage. You can visit www.couragerc.net for more details. And yes I am a member of that organization.

Our group is a support group and we help each other live a chaste life. We don’t claim that sooner or later we will all become heterosexuals, etc. Nothing of that sort. Instead, we are responding to God’s call to live a life of chastity and that means for many of us turning away from the gay lifestyle and confronting our deepest issues as courageously as we can be.
Honestly that is the most difficult part for us - renouncing our sinful ways and letting the Lord take control. It’s hard and it’s real. It’s not easy but it is possible.

I must admit too that some priests and religious are not well aware of our condition and we’re doing something to educate them and all people concerned regarding the nature of homosexuality. During the podcast I realized that many had this perception that the Church is persecuting gay people and the result is either they break away from the Catholic Church or just become nominal Catholics. This is a sad reality.

I hope you can give space for this brief e-mail of mine in your popular blog. Although I can see that you’re very much into the gay lifestyle now, I on my part would like to know your personal views about dealing with ex-gay ministries like ours. Maybe you may want to take a look on the “other side” and let’s see what happens next. I hope to get your side and your readers as well regarding this issue. Thank you.

God loves us all,
GS

Days later I visited Famous Gay Blogger's popular site and he posted it there and with a bonus - not only did I read comments posted by his readers but also the podcasters themselves. I suppose these guys are quite popular too and I am posting their comments here in their entirety in the name of responsible blogging.

Gay Blogger #1 - "I'd rather hop-skip-and jump!"

So this is an organization of gays who want to remain in the Church and therefore will toe the Church’s chastity and celibacy line. (Good god, nosebleed and pimples galore!) Seriously, it’s one way to go about it. It’s an option, a route that a gay individual can choose to take. So good luck to those who take it; may their lives be meaningful to them. As for me, if that’s the road less traveled then I’d rather hop-skip-and-jump along the yellow brick road in my shiny, shimmering splendid shoes

Gay Blogger #2: "At hinimay ni Bakla"

I am having difficulty reconciling his statements. So I will ask some questions based on his email:
1) For GS, is same-sex attraction different from homosexuality?
2) What exactly is a gay “lifestyle” (if there really is such a thing)?
3)His email address and name states “Going Straight” but he does not consider himself gay. So what is he exactly and how does this reconcile with “we don’t claim that sooner or later we will all become heterosexuals”?
4) So if the Catholic Church is not condemning anyone for being gay (from 2358 of the official Catechism of the Catholic Church, this is stated about homosexuals: “They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.”), why are they condemning “homosexual acts” as in the case of that bishop who said that homosexuality should be blamed for the Cebu Canister Scandal victim’s issue? Same goes with the lesbians (Leah Vader and her partner) in the United States who were sent a letter by their parish priest telling them that they are not allowed communion anymore?
5) Is it just me or does his statement, “Although I can see that you’re very much into the gay lifestyle now “sound too judgmental?

Also, he mentioned that during the podcast many broke away from the Church as a result of persecution of being gay. May I reiterate that the reason why I, and many others out there, broke away from this church (and religion in general) not because of this perceived persecution but because of issues with principles and morality being forced and hammered onto us.

Gay blogger #3: - "Whatevurr!"

I will just echo what we have been saying all along. Whatever makes you happy. If going celibate brings you the inner peace that you are looking for then by all means go ahead and go for it (just don’t get all preachy to me and give me the same token of respect and respect my option not to go a similar path).

Gay blogger #4: "What is the essence of being gay? - Miss U"

Dear Going Straight,

I can feel your sincerity in struggling against, renouncing what you call “our sinful ways” and letting God take control. I am impressed with your strength of will and I can only wish you the best in the process. And as long as your choices and struggles help make you a better, greater person — someone who cares more, loves more, gives more, contributes more, and at the end of the day, still smiles more — I will give you my utmost and well-deserved respect

To be continued...

Wonderful Sacrament Sunday

Last Sacrament Sunday was a wonderful day for me - I went to Confession after two months of living a "sinful" life. I felt great afterwards after receiving God's love and mercy once again. Fr. D was back from his US trip. He asked me during Confession why it took me two months to confess my sins, most of which were serious ones and I jested in reply "because you were not here" and he smiled somewhat surprised and replied, "don't make me an excuse" and we both laughed a bit. It was kinda like an ice breaker in an otherwise serious conversation we were having.

During the mass the room was quite full and we had two unexpected guests. I will get to that a little later. Fr. D's homily on the Gospel account of Peter walking on the water and sinking later was excellent. Fr. D reminded us to keep our focus on the Lord no matter how great the storm so that we will never falter and sink in the deadly waters of sin, despair, and hopelessness, and if ever we do we need to pray the same words that Peter said when he was sinking: "Lord, save me!" Wonderful homily as always.

At the end of the mass, Bro. R called upon Bro. V in front for a short speech. We were all clueless at the beginning. All eyes were fixed on this guy in front of us. Later on as he was speaking we were amazed and inspired. You see, our dear brother is going to tie the knot very soon and he brought the two guests - his parents - to this mass to introduce our group to them. It was so brave of you Bro. V and I really admire you for that. How I wish I could also bring my parents to attend a Courage mass, but for now that still remains a farfetched dream. Bro. V also announced that he would be leaving soon to work in Singapore as a cook. Lucky guy! After his speech, I was beaming with happiness and pride for what this guy has accomplished so far in his journey of healing, and I am sharing this to everyone to remind us that dreams do still come true. Kudos to Bro. V and I wish you happiness and success in this new chapter of your life. After the mass, Bro V. and his parents went to his fiancee for the traditional "pamanhikan".

The fellowship was a joyful moment too as there were lots of food, and the older members were given a chance to introduce themselves to the newer ones. So much laughter and fun as always. It did not stop there though as most of us went straight to the biggest mall on the other side of Redemptorist Church - SM Mall of Asia of course - and we ate a little more for a little get together and chitchats.

(Sidebits: Bro. J was a revelation to me. While in the car on the way to MOA, he was like a livewire inside. We were very noisy and very giggly inside the car. We were having a little great time. People outside seeing us may think we were having some party - all because of Bro J! He was so "makulit" as in! We were virtually laughing nonstop along the way and I felt I lost all my belly fats in 10 minutes flat doing just that.)

You're Hired!

Two days ago I headed towards Citibank Tower in Makati to take a job exam. Prior to this I attended a job fair held in Trinoma. I was fortunate enough to be selected to take the exam and it's not surprising at all because the job I was applying for is what I have been doing for the past four years or so. I took the exam for about half an hour and headed home to do my homebased job and to my surprise the company called me that afternoon and told me to come back on August 11 for the job offer. Wow, it came just like that. The company I'm applying for is technically not a call center because I will not be calling anyone on the other side of the planet nor will I receive calls. It's pure transcription work and yet the people inside the company were spokening dollars with a British twang. Even the guard cum receptionist speaks the Queen's language! I wonder if the janitress does too. Oh well.

So why does I not sound very excited at all? I don't know really. There is some kind of reluctance on my part to work outside the comforts of home again. I've been home-bound chair-bound for more than a year now. The thought of waking up very early in the morning, donning your office clothes, making your way through the early morning rush, getting inside a jampacked LRT, walking towards the building, punching your card in the bundy clock, seeing the same faces day in and day out, (cute guys are an exception to this hehe) etc. make me quite anxious again. I hate the pollution, the shifting schedule, the cubicle. But I need the money, the benefits, and uhm... perks if there are any. I've been through this before and now I'm into it again. It seems I have to hold my overseas plans for the moment and settle for local employment.

If you think working at home is paradise, well not at all. Yes, I save on transportation, food, clothing (I work at home with boxers and sando). That's a great thing especially during these hard times. But as I have mentioned in my previous post, there is the nuissance of sudden power failure, internet connection glitches, malfunctioning computer, viruses, etc. Here at home I'm no boss. Mom or dad can call me to buy toyo or suka outside anytime. There is no such thing as busy here.

What will become of my homebased work? I guess I can still do it part time. I want a full-time work and a part-time gig to catch up with the rising costs of basic necessities. Eventually, I hope I can find a way to earn passive income online from I don't know where but I'm seriously looking into it. Financial gurus call it "multiple income streams". It's still a dream for me but I know it's very much possible. You may want to read Bo Sanchez' article about that.

Tempted

I feel tempted again to talk about "temptation". The past few days I was posting comments and reactions regarding a post I read about "befriending temptation" on another blog of a friend of mine. I did not agree with almost everything written on that particular topic with regard to "befriending temptation" in order to know oneself more because it almost sounded heretical to me. Everyone of course is entitled to his or her opinions, but Im posting a comment I made here and I stand by it. The picture above by the way depicts the temptation of St. Thomas Aquinas. In that temptation against his chastity, he was not able to flee like Joseph of the Old Testament but he fought fire with fire - literally and he succeeded. As a reward for his faithfulness to God, the Angels girded him with a chastity cord - sort of like a promise that he will never ever be subjected again to temptations against purity. (Wow, I want that chasitity cord as well. I badly need one now.)

"I like the article posted by AG. It's quite lengthy and very substantial. I agree with you that there is a difference between courting temptations and knowing that things that tempt you. My answer to that is I presume I am capable of committing and falling into any kind of sin and that by myself I am weak. Whether I can prove that assumption to be true or not will depend on me being in a particular situation, but knowing also that I am weak, it's prudent and wise to avoid even getting near temptations.I also want to point out something about being immune from temptations. I believe you can never ever be immunte from temptations and to claim that it will make you "stronger" after immersing yourself from it is senseless. In the physical realm, a vaccine can indeed prevent one from being sick from a particular type of disease, but in the spiritual realm there is no such thing as being immune from temptations or sins, that is why Christ exhorts us ALWAYS to pray and be vigilant lest we enter into temptations. It's an ongoing battle. Even Christ Himself was not "immune" from being tempted. Besides prayer and vigilance, I think mortification or denying oneself is a great aid too.Personally, I can say that for the past years of my life, I have realized somehow where I am most vulnerable. I can honestly say that I probably will never be addicted to smoking, alcohol, drugs, and gambling coz I hate them all personally. But never tempt me when it comes certain things like maybe food, sex, porn, or nude men because those things are my areas of weakness, and I need not indulge in them over and over again for me to know that I am weak in those areas. Those are the things that tempt me the most.I think that's all I can share. I rest my case here and hopefully I will not feel tempted to rebut the next time."

Lastly, I am also posting an article on temptation by the Fathers of the Church. I hope we can all learn from it:

Temptation is like a winter torrent, difficult to cross. Some, being most skilful swimmers, pass over, not being whelmed beneath temptations nor swept down by them at all, while others, who are not such, entering into them, sink in them. As, for example, Judas, entering into temptation of covetousness, swam not through it but, sinking beneath it, was choked both in body and spirit. Peter entered into the temptation of the denial but, having entered it, he was not overwhelmed by it but, manfully swimming through it, he was delivered.

Every temptation is a trial, and the issue of every trial has its fruit; for whereas a man is generally but little known even to himself, he knows not what he can bear and what he cannot bear and sometimes despairs of being able to bear what he can. Temptation comes as a kind of question, and the man is discovered of himself for to himself he was a secret but he was not a secret to his Maker.

"Watch and pray," said the Lord, "lest ye enter into temptation." What is it to "enter into temptation" but to depart from faith? For so temptation advances as faith gives way and so far temptation gives way as faith advances.

Many who have laid up much spiritual wealth from their youth and have arrived at middle age, when temptations arise against them by the machination of the evil one, have not succeeded in resisting the weight of the tempest but have lost all. Some concerning faith have made shipwreck; others have cast away the chastity treasured from youth under some sudden hurricane of sinful pleasure which has rushed upon them. A most piteous spectacle that a man, after self-denial, after fasting, after long prayer, after plentiful tears, after twenty or thirty years' devotedness, a man should, through an unwatchful spirit and carelessness, be made a show o, and stripped of all.

By merciful dispensation of the Creator, the soul that places confidence in itself is struck down by a providential temptation that, being brought low, it may find out what its failing is; for as soon as the mind feels the blow, the presumption and swelling of self begins to abate.

Saints Gregory the Great, Cyril, Augustine and Basil

Mr. Fix It

Every appliance or gadget you have - TV, cellphone, PC - conks out once in a while. It's an inconvenience that comes along with modern day living. It's a nuisance that people a century or so ago did not have to deal with. My PC breaks down again this month - twice in a row - with just barely a week from the day it was repaired. Everytime this will happen I can almost foresee hardearned money fly from my wallet 99% of the time. It can also mean lost productivity on my part because I use my PC for work. As I unplug all the cables connected to the CPU, I dread the thought of bringing this bulky piece of equipment to the repairman five kilometers away from me - a 4-km jeepney ride and a gruelling 1-km walk (I don't ride tricycles because they charge me almost triple the amount of my jeepney fare). By the time I reach the repair shop I am already drenched in sweat and panting not to mention that my arms feel like I did a hundred reps of straight barbell curls in a gym.

For work-at-home people like me using the PC and internet there are four horsemen of Apocalypse to watch for. First is the unexpected power interruption that can happen anytime. Once the electricity is out there is virtually nothing I can do to start working again unless I have a generator at home. I have no choice but to wait. Power interruption here in our place usually happens with a bang - either a transformer explodes nearby or an insane driver rams his truck to the Meralco electric post. Thankfully, the Meralco guys can restore the power supply in no time.

The second is no internet connectivity. This can paralyze my work just as much as the first one. It all depends on the length of time the net connection is off and once it is back then my work resumes. I'm just grateful that even though my ISP is a little slow at times, these incidences are rare but nevertheless counterproductive if it strikes.

The third is more subtle and insiduous. This menace inflicts damage over time without you noticing it. I'm referring to computer viruses, worms, and spywares. My first line of defense against these malevolent creatures is of course an antivirus software that is updated regulary on my PC, but take note that it cannot hinder all potential viruses out there in cyberspace so utmost diligence and care must be put in place to make sure my computer programs are running smoothly. It is recommended you run an antivirus check at least once a week. If left unchecked, you might end up replacing your hard drives, reformatting your PC, or losing all your precious data altogether. The best defense is to have backups of your sensitive and important files.

The last is the most menacing which is a complete PC breakdown - This is when you feel like selling your computer to junk shop because nothing appears on screen at all and your PC is next to useless. When this happens, you know for sure that there is something wrong with your computer hardware parts. "PC repairman here I come." This is the worst that could happen to you. More often than not the PC technicians don't really "fix" the problem in your PC as I have observed. Yes, they check and diagnose your PC's problems but after some screwing here and there, wiring connections and all that, I bet it will all end up with you purchasing a brand new part from them - a video card, memory card, hard drive, or motherboard. Trust me I already bought these things from them. So, now you know why this is the worst - because it's time to say goodbye to your hard-earned money at a blink of an eye - plus their service charge.

But today was different. Instead of bringing my massive CPU to the technician, I did some troubleshooting myself. I found out that I had a defective video card which I just purchased a week ago. I did not bother about availing the warranty because the videocard looked like a substandard one. To avoid a noise barrage, I just figured out how to install and uninstall a videocard all by myself. This morning I bought a new video card from a reputable store and installed it to my PC and now it is working fine again. This act saved me from traveling 5 kilometers to the repair shop, some money that I would pay the technician for his services, and all that sweat and trouble of having my PC overhauled again. Just for this day I became Mr. Fix It! Hurray!

Lesson: In every situation that confronts us, we can choose to be upset or we can choose to act. We can also choose not to act. I'm glad I did the right thing. Maybe I can have a career fixing computers in the future! (LOL) I'm actually contemplating of taking up a short course on PC troubleshooting. Well, why not?

Codename: Shaider

While youtubing the other night I found this very nice music video of Shaider, the Space Sheriff, who was played by Japanese actor Hiroshi Tsuburaya along with his female space sheriff sidekick Naomi Morinaga. In the Philippine version they are better known as Alexis and Annie (still remember this pretty lass with yellow/brown miniskirt?) Do you still remember Fuuma Lei-ar and his minions with their Fuuma dance? Babaylan Ida, I learned lately, was a transvestite. All the while I thought she was a woman! gosh! I think the final episode of Shaider is on youtube again. This was deleted months ago for copyright infringement so to those who did not watch the ending go check it out.

I'm sure people my age can relate to this stuff. When I was in grade school I imitated this space sheriff very much - kicking and punching some of my classmates during our recess and exchanging playcards. But instead of calling me 'Shaider', they labeled me as "SHYder." Too bad the lead actor of this metal hero series died in 2001 apparently of some liver disease and Annie had since appeared in some smutty magazine and softcore porn. Its local remake, Zaido, was a far far cry from the original. I didn't watch that thing because it was done in such poor taste! Can you imagine remaking a sci-fi action flick like this one into some sort of melodramatic telenovela complete with love teams and all that crap!? (Grrr!)

But for old time's sake, here is the music video of one of my favorite Japanese metal heroes - Shaider ang Pulis Pangkalawakan.

Adios, Amigo!

Last week a great friend arrived from HK. Bro. A, who I first met many months ago with the brothers and who I correspond through online chat, arrived in the country for a much needed break and of course to meet us! Days before he arrived I was already suggesting places to visit and see, but it was only last Saturday that I finally came to meet him in the flesh for the second time and he's still, well, stunning and handsome I must admit. We met in Robinson's Place in Malate and after the brief awkward moment of this meetup, I quickly became comfortable with him and invited him to lunch coz I could tell he's hungry, although quite excited at that moment to go on our "date." It was actually raining outside so we did not have much choice but to stay awhile inside the mall.

While dining amidst the noisy food court, we were able to share many things about ourselves. In fact, that was the only time I was able to talk to him at length with just about anything - darn! he's such a good conversationalist and my English vocabulary got drained so quickly since I could not speak a Tagalog word - not even an expression. Wanting to learn some Filipino language, he inquired about the Tagalog translation of "I love you." At last, a Tagalog phrase. I answered, "Mahal kita." I threw back the question to him. "How do you say I love you in Spanish?" "Oh, there are two ways of saying it. First is Te Quiero which is a phrase you use when you speak to a friend, a family member, or a relative. Te Amo is reserved for someone special in your life, a lover, a romantic partner." Oh, now I know. After an hour and a half long of pleasant conversation, we hurried straight ahead to our destination. Where? We went to Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wildlife Center. (I will blog about this separately including the pics I took). In brief, we took the LRT, MRT, and one jeepney ride to get there - a cheap way to show him around the metropolis eh? We were actually hurrying because we have to catch our Courage meeting later in the afternoon and we were like two Amazing Race contestants hopping from one place to the other. It was so fun!

Fast forward to the next day which is the day of his departure. We met again but this time in the five-star hotel for a breakfast on the 20 something floor of the hotel. Wow, magnificent view! From the dining table I was sitting I could see the whole Malate area, the long stretch of Roxas Boulevard, the hotel where I formerly worked in, and the placid waters of Manila Bay. Of course, we had our brief conversation as usual. On that day, we're supposed to visit a "must-see" place not far from where we were which every visiting foreigner must not miss. In short, I was his unofficial tourist guide in the city. The place I'm referring to is the famous Manila Ocean Park right at the back of Quirino Grandstand. It was my first time here and so was Bro. A's. (I will blog about this separately with pictures I took and hopefully the videos as well)

After our brief but fun-filled stay in the Oceanarium we headed back again to Robinson's Place for lunch (chicken adobo) and then went back to his hotel. He showed me his hotel room which is a very cozy place and helped him packed up things. Every good thing must come to an end they say and so we bid goodbye to each other. He does not feel like leaving the country but he has to. I hate it when somebody leaves. I don't like the feeling but who does? I wish I had more time to talk and bond with him coz he's such a great guy - really. I like intimate no-holds barred conversations with people coz it's when I really get to know the real person. Hah! you can just imagine what we talked about during our brief chit chats together! hahaha!

Mi amigo, te doy gracias por el regalo. I hope you'll find time to read the book that I gave you. My only regret is that I was not able to join you from Wednesday until Saturday because of work, but it is great to know that you had such a great time here with the brothers too. I will be looking forward to welcoming you again - maybe this time with some of your friends over there. May Our Lady of Guadalupe watch over you...always.

Adios, Amigo!

Wanted: Perfect Father

I love looking at the picture above. It's actually a sculpture of St. Joseph embracing the Blessed Mother and the Divine Child. Oh, what a perfect portrait of a loving father! - one who is the head and protector of his family. Don't you wish every father in the world is at least a little bit like him?

My dad is not a perfect one. He has his share of shortcomings and faults. Out of my respect for him I'm not going to list them down here. It's a personal thing and I don't think it's a good idea for a son to malign his father even though everything that I write here is anonymous. At this point in my life I don't want to blame him for anything... even for my condition as a person with SSA (same sex attraction). They say that the father plays an important role in the development of homosexuality in a growing child. Any failure on the part of the father to "nurture" his growing son properly or any failure in the part of the male child to "identify and associate" with his father during his growing up years all contribute to the process. I guess there must be some truth to this in my case and I'm still in the process of uncovering the bits and pieces of my past.

On the other hand I'm still very much grateful. I still live with my dad and everyday he never fails in providing for us, although all of us now in the family have their respective jobs. He still cooks our meals every single day and he does it like nobody else can. I'm proud to say that my dad is a great cook, even better than my mom in this respect. He may not be demonstrative in showing his love for us, but I know he loves us and he is doing it in a way he knows best. Yesterday I got a surprise from my dad - he gave me his Nokia 2600 cellphone! Wow, finally, a cellphone with camera and a host of others features that my present cellphone from the Jurassic era does not have. All that I think because I'm the only one who texted him 'Happy Father's Day' last Sunday. Thanks dad for the great gift.

Whenever I see a father walking hand in hand with his child, I can't help myself but stare at them for awhile and ponder a bit. It's picture perfect - a Kodak moment. I love pictures of a dad and kid playing around. If I had a camera I would certainly take shots of them and post them all here in my blog. I believe every child must be given the opportunity to bond with their dad very well, and every father must strive to be the spiritual head of his family - providing not only for the material needs but most importantly the emotional and spiritual - just like St. Joseph. When the right time comes and if it be my destiny, I would like to be a great father too - someone my future spouse and kids would be proud of - someone who may not be "perfect" but devoted and loving.

Belated Happy Father's Day to all dads! May you realize that there is no amount of success that can compensate for failure and brokenness in the home.

You've Got Messages

Do you have some nice texts that you cannot delete because they just feel good to read once in awhile or pass around to your new text mates? I just thought why not share them here so I can delete them at last to give way to other messages. In case I need those messages again, I will just copy them here and send it. Some of these text messages have been around for eons already and I want to share them now with you. (Grammar edited for clarity and consistency).

I saw an old painting of two friends holding hands.
I wonder how long it will stay intact?
It is old yet never fading.
I wish we were the painting...
Getting older yet never changing.

People are like stained glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out.
But when darkness sets in,
Their true beauty is revealed
Only if there is light from within.

If you don't go after what you want,
You will never have it.
If you don't ask,
The answer is always no.
If you don't step forward,
You are always in the same place.
Take risks for life goes on...

Love is a noble act of self-giving.
The more you love, the more you lose a part of you.
Yet you don't become less of who you are,
But you end up being complete.

Lately, I have learned that friendship is the best relationship.
We may go separate ways, live different lives, believe in different aspects...
But as long as we believe we are friends, we will forever be.

Eight rules to be happy:
1. Never hate.
2. Don't worry.
3. Live simply.
4. Expect a little.
5. Give a lot.
6. Always smile.
7. Live with love.
8. Best of all be with God.

Do not spoil what you have
By desiring what you do not have;
But remember that what you have right now
Was once among the things
Others hoped for.

Let me share with you a beautiful prayer:
"Lord when I lose hop because my plans have come to nothing,
Help me to remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments,
And your plans for my life is always better than my dreams. Amen."

Beautiful lives don't just happen.
They are made every single day
With much love, prayer, and sacrifice.
The many tasks we face each day can burden and oppress;
But spending time with God each day can bring relief from stress.
Let us be reminded that IN THE END, only three things matter:
How fully you lived,
How deeply you loved,
How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

In life, you may feel tired of fighting for the same reason every day.
You may feel that everyone is moving so fast leaving you far behind,
And you may feel that there is no point in moving on...

There is no certainty in life, it is not how fast you get there...
It's how you played the game.
Put in mind that at times it is better to be like a turtle,
Who patiently moves on and enjoys every step of the way
Rather than a rabbit who runs so fast and missing every vital details in life.

Sometimes we must be hurt to grow.
We must fail in so we can know.
We must lose in order to gain.
Some lessons are learned best only through pain.
Sometimes our vision clears only,
After our eyes are washed with tears.

If you want to be happy,
Don't do whatever you like!
Instead, like whatever you do...
Because happiness comes not from having much to live on,
But having much to live for...

Happiness is like peeing in your pants...
Everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the warmth.

I walk and I see lovers.
I turn my head and I see lovers.
I sit on the bench, and beside me are lovers.
An old woman came and asked me,
"Are you contented to sit alone?"
I answered, "I know at the right time
God will send that person to sit beside me forever...
Someone who is worth the wait..."

Life is like posing for pictures,
We pose the way we want to be seen by others
But stolen shots are better...
They capture who we really are.

God's ways are far different from ours.
In Him, we must learn that we must:

SURRENDER to WIN
LOSE to GAIN
SERVE to REIGN
GIVE to RECEIVE
SCATTER to REAP
and DIE to LIVE

In WEAKNESS, we are made STRONG.
In HUMILITY, we are LIFTED UP.
and in EMPTINESS, we are made FULL.