Cute Guy

I got a crush on this guy - who is he? I don't know. I just got his pic while browsing a forum. haha! Nice star tattoos! Can I have one of those?

I know, I know. The guy has the looks and charm. I just cannot stop myself from looking at him. He is just dropdead gorgeous. Oh, please stop looking at me that way! I'm already melting down here.

No Girlfriend Since Birth

It is true. I never had a serious and formal relationship with a girl in my whole existence on planet Earth. I'm turning 30 this April and I still find myself in this situation. What the heck?

First Crush

In retrospect, as far as I can remember, my first crush was a cute girl back in my kindergarten days! Her name is Sheryl ******. It was really more of a puppy love type of thing. Everytime the class heads to the playground I would always notice this girl occupy the same spot so that's how she caught my attention. I wonder where she is now. I can still remember her face. Growing up in the same school, my infatuation with her waned eventually. I focused more on my studies (nerd!). You can say that I'm diligent and studious when it comes to academics. I was always excited to go to school. In fact, the school could have hired me back then to open the gates in the
morning as I am one of early birds at school!

The Confusion

Fast forward to fourth or fifth grade, I started to notice something going on inside of me...a terrible confusion of some sort and a sense of inferiority. Despite me being a consistent honor student since fourth grade, there seemed to be something amiss. I noticed that I had some issues with interacting with the guys, especially during P.E. class where the guys would play the only sport they knew of -- basketball and of course the girls would play volleyball. I had no choice but to embrace basketball or else I would risk being branded as a sissy.

Not Athletic Enough

I used to ask myself. Do I really have to play basketball? Do I really have to conform to be accepted? Yes, I admit I'm clumsy and inept when it comes to sports. I guess basketball back then was too tough for me so I shunned it and evaded it like a plague. In those days, I dreaded intramurals. It is the time of the year when the school is abuzz with sports fest left and right. Most of my classmates join this annual event. I belonged to the "model" section back then and one of my secret fear was what if there were not enough boys to represent our class? That would mean every boy in the class would be compelled to join the intramurals. The boys were always outnumbered in the class by the girls in the ratio of 1:4. Good thing, some of the guys were into basketball and I did not have to go through that ordeal. Thank goodness!

Everytime there is a game we are obliged to watch it to give moral support to my classmates. During those times, I would sneak in the library, preferring the solitude of that place and the company of books, rather than be seen watching a basketball game, which I really find of very little interest to me, so there is really no sense in watching it. It's just a waste of time really.

Damn! While those guys were being cheered by the crowd, here I was in one corner of the library peeking once in a while to see what's going on outside. I felt terribly lonely and alienated during those times. Quiz bees were my preoccupations, not sports. It was saddening and sickening. This cycle would repeat itself every year and no matter how I forced myself to love the sport, I just simply could not see myself doing it. So, I guess there is where the problem lies. There seems to be an attitude problem here on my part. In as much as some of these guys feel the same inferiority in their academic life, it's very much the same in my situation in dealing with athletics.

Growing Up

So how did this affect me while growing up? - a lot! Although I feel confident in acing my exams and impressing my teachers, it is not the same outside the classroom. After class, we go our own way. Some stay in the school to hang out and chat with their "barkadas". Some go to the library to do their homeworks right away (present!). The rest would either play sports or just go home. I have no real "barkadas" outside of the confines of group activities or anything that has to do with school projects. Although I had two or three close friends, that didn't actually last for long. For me high school life was about getting ahead of others in eager anticipation of college life. Going back, it was like I was in a hurry to grow up and reach my dreams. I was in a rush to accomplish this and that without really going somewhere.

No Girlfriends, Just Crushes

It's not all academics really. On the sidestep, I had crushes too, you know, typical high school life. Inside the class, there were love teams whether for real or for reel. And being one of the more popular guy in the class (ehem! ehem!) I also had my share of that silly thing, and for that I was thankful because somehow it made me feel like I was on the "normal" side, although I must admit now that I was more on the "geeky" side back then. Those moments cheered up and brightened my otherwise boring years in high school. I even tried courting a girl back then and it was one of the craziest things I have ever done. On certain occasions like Valentine's day or birthdays, I would buy ready-made love letters back then and three sticks of red roses (no chocolates because of tight budget), and I would wait for my crush to pass by the corridor, and when she does I would intercept her and give the flowers and love letter to her. Gosh, I did that??

My Secret Crushes (wink!)

Here comes the exciting part! hehe. I have a confession to make. As early as first year high school, I was already having crushes on some of my guy classmates. I did not pay much attention to this but deep inside me I was already fantasizing about some of the guys. The common quality that they all have is that they're all athletic. I see them as different and yet very appealing. There is something in them that I obviously don't have and so secretly I admire them.

One of the most memorable was when I reached my third year. There was this guy who captured my attention and really intensified my homosexual struggle. Let's just call him Angelo(because believe it or not, he looks very much like Richard Gomez). For me, he was the perfect male specie. He was in fourth year high school then. Gosh, how is it that it's already too late when I began to notice this hunk! This guy is a campus heartthrob - tall, dark, and very handsome. He never fails to capture my attention and I would secretly look at him everytime I had the chance to pass by his classrooms or during recess time. Sometimes he would catch me looking at him and I would just play "deadma". You won't believe it when I tell you that during those days I kept a diary where I chronicle every single bit of "kilig" moments I had with him. I know it sounds crazy; it really is.

My third year became especially memorable to me because of this guy. Because I want to see him very often, I volunteered to be trained as one of the future officers of CAT (Citizen's Army Training). As a cadet trainee, I had many opportunities to be as close as possible to this guy, the most memorable of which was during one summer when all the cadet officer trainees went on a bootcamp and of course he was there too! Damn, he's so dropdead gorgeous up close. I would gladly trade all my school awards and recognitions just to be close to this heavensent guy! (just kidding! My mother would be hysterical if I did.) Gosh, why is it that some guys had all the luck?

Oh No, I'm Gay!

Being gay on campus during my time was taboo, and yet here I am, deep inside me I cannot deny the fact that I had feelings for Angelo, which gradually developed I guess from being a mere infatuation to something out of control. Those times that I had spent with this guy, no matter how short, were the most memorable days of my high school life. The only sad part is that the friendship was a superficial one. He is someone I look up to. After he graduated in high school, school life went on as usual for me. I was in my last year in high school at this time and school kept me very busy since I'm graduating. Life went on as usual.

No matter how brief the time given me to know this guy, I am still thankful. I do not blame him for my struggles. It is definitely not his fault. But no matter what happens, he will forever be a part of my past, and a foreboding reminder of the struggle I will have to face the rest of my life...

The Safe Sex Illusion

I got this great article that I would like to share with the readers. It is all about the illusion of engaging in safe sex.

The gay community desperately wants to believe that safe sex will work, but in their desperation could lie the seeds of further tragedy. For many reasons, we believe that safe sex won’t work; that at best, it will only slow down the tragic toll of death in the gay community.

The risks inherent in safe sex are not being told for a number of reasons. First is the good-old American belief that we can work anything out – even have our cake and eat it, too. Second is that the alternatives to safe sex are just not acceptable to much of our population. Third is the unwillingness of many leaders in the gay community to be willing to look at the gay lifestyle realistically, particularly if it means losing ground in the hard fought efforts to gain acceptability for the gay lifestyle. Our belief that safe sex won’t work is not based on the merits or weaknesses of the condom, although they should be considered, but is rather based on the nature of man in general, and of gay men in particular. As you consider the following reasons why we suggest that safe sex won’t work, honestly consider your own life and behavior and the lives and behavior of your closest friends.

1. There is a great tendency for promiscuity among male homosexuals. Gays have seldom wanted to discuss this, but we all know it’s true. The most widely accepted study on this subject (Bell and Weinberg, 1978) showed that forty-three per cent of the male homosexuals in San Francisco estimated that they had had sex with more than five hundred men, twenty-eight per cent with more than one thousand. We may debate the causes of this, but few of us who have been active homosexually doubt the statistics. Sex, at that rate, indicates a tremendous propensity towards sexual addiction. Perhaps it reflects the deep, unmet needs of homosexuals; perhaps, it’s inherent in the nature of male sex – the willingness to get involved sexually without relationship; perhaps it’s totally because of society’s refusal to support stable, gay relationships. The causes don’t matter; what does matter is that a large percentage of the gay population is hooked on a lifestyle of frequent sex, a pattern of behavior that will be terribly difficult to break. Sexual restraint isn’t in the cards for a great many gay men.

2. There is the so often elusive dream of the monogamous relationship. Even before AIDS, most gay men longed for that one guy to whom they could commit their life, that one special man with whom they could settle down in a permanent, faithful relationship. Now, more than ever, that kind of relationship is sought after as a protection against AIDS. But we know what happens most of the time. You settle into this kind of relationship and in three months, or six months, it falls apart and you’re off looking for another “permanent” relationship. But with each new relationship comes a new set of exposures. And within each new relationship, how many times has he (or you) cheated? True, there is a much greater motivation to settle down with one person now, but the difficulties in finding that person haven’t decreased.

3. We have to consider the nature of “passion.” Here we’re not dealing with just gays; we’re dealing with human nature. There seems to be an inverse relationship between the amount of sexual interest, arousal, and excitement, and our ability to use sound judgment. Men have a terrible propensity to do stupid and careless things in the heat of passion. Perhaps, you went out not intending to connect, but you met somebody new and got carried away. Perhaps, you and your partner agreed to abstain from certain kinds of sex, or agreed to use a condom, but in the heat of it all, you threw caution and rational behavior to the wind.

4. Sex is often accompanied by drinking or drugs. Take the risks just described and multiply them many times over if you’ve been drinking. In that setting, the best intentions become almost worthless.

5. “It won’t happen to me.” Mankind has a streak of irrationality in him that defies understanding. The cigarette smoker, the drinking driver, the gay who takes a chance just this one time, all operate on that fantasy that it won’t happen to them. Often it does.

6. Great numbers of gay men who have tested HIV positive, are still sexually active. Those who have not tested positive or don’t have AIDS can only imagine the emotional state of those who find they are infected. But we do see the responses: despair, hopelessness, denial, fatalism. Some plunge into homosexual activity with a vengeance. Some turn bitter. This is not to condemn those individuals; who knows how we would act, but many who know they are carriers, are very active sexually. And many overwhelmed with their own distress are not protecting their partners.

7. Many refuse to be tested. Often those who are most likely to be infected are the most fearful of being tested. Many of these are still very active, sometimes cynically, sometimes naively, sometimes with an attitude of: “We’re all going to die anyway.” All this says that safe sex is, at best, only going to slow down the toll of death and suffering. safe sex, if used, is somewhat effective, but a realistic look at man, at gay men in particular, and especially at ourselves, says that there will be just too many times when safe sex won’t be used – and those times over the next several years could cost you your life.

So what is the answer? It’s pretty obvious, although it’s probably not what you want to hear. The answer is abstinence. Please, before you turn away, consider this option. It may be the only one that can save your life. Take a few more minutes and consider the following:

1. Sexual abstinence is possible. It’s only a fairly recent idea that we have to have sex. Surely, mankind does not always live up to his lofty moral standards, but abstinence is possible for many people. There actually are some very positive things to be said for abstinence, especially for those who have found that their sexual needs have controlled their lives. To break the power of addictive sexual behavior can be tremendously liberating – opening a person up to new kinds of relationships, whole new areas of interest. For so many, what was at first thought to be sexual freedom, has become sexual bondage, and abstinence has become the only way to break that bondage.

2. As with many forms of life-dominating behavior, total abstinence may be easier than constant restraint. Making daily decisions as to how far we can go can be far more difficult than making the one big decision to try to live abstinently. Sexual abstinence often frees people to discover the needs that were driving them into sex in the first place; the needs for love, affirmation, and intimacy, needs that were short-circuited by the frequent sexual fix. Recognizing those needs, a person can start to seek new ways to meet them – ways that are not life-threatening.

3. Abstinence is an extremely hard road to follow, but there are people who will help. Great numbers of people in many organizations listed on this Web site have found that sexual abstinence does work. This may be the point at your life in which you have to make the hardest decision you’ve ever made. Let someone help you who has already been down that road. Your life is precious. Don’t throw it away. In your desperate desire to have both ways, don’t let the safe sex illusion draw you in. Consider all of your alternatives, and choose life.


(Souce: PureIntimacy.Org)

First Time Blogger

Finally my own blog!

The blog is about me and what is happening to me, my struggles, daily experiences, thoughts, and everything else that falls in between. I will be posting summarized articles, inspiring stories, personal anecdotes, spiritual stuff, videos, photos, insights, daily concerns, etc., hopefully on a daily basis. I want this blog to reflect the real me, although as of this time I will have to keep my identity anonymous because most of the topics that I will be posting and discussing here have something to do with my struggles, namely same sex attraction and chastity issues.


My blog is definitely NOT a gay blog. You can say I'm gay, a discreet one, but it does not mean I support the gay lifestyle. I have nothing against the gay person, in fact I currenty belong to a support group for people struggling with SSA (same sex attraction). What I am up against is the "gay culture" because I believe it is not the answer. There is a higher calling, a higher purpose, destined for each one of us to do - a God-given task unique to each individual.


So there you have it. I guess that's all I can say for now. As I am new to blogging I still need to learn a lot and this early on I find it to be exciting and fun already. Ciao!